Things To Do Before My Time Is Up:

I’m going to re-create my list later when I have time but I’ll start off with things I have accomplished this year:

Wear a bikini in public - January 2013
Visit the Holocaust Museum in Richmond, Virginia - May 03, 2013
Visit the Virginia Zoological Park in Norfolk, Virginia - May 17, 2013

Thank goodness that I have work today. Since I have moved to Norfolk, I do absolutely nothing but pass time in my room all day and night as I experience the feeling of boredom. I don’t mind because I enjoy being alone and it gives me the opportunity to make collages and paint and write but I find that I loathe the feeling that I’m not accomplishing anything that matters. When I am working is the only time that I feel hopeful. I believe that most would laugh at my saying this since I work a job that pays barely above minimum wage but it is a job that I love and I take pride in my work ethic. I look forward to next year when I can start college. I have promised myself to set aside some cash and buy myself The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders for my birthday, not out of greed but instead as a reminder of what I aspire to study and achieve the next upcoming years.

Tumblr, I am quite stoked to share that I got my Kilik Morrison back. He is not just my kitten but my best companion and makes me feel just a bit more complete because, when it comes down to it, I am just a young and lonesome woman with no love or friends. Also, I am excited that I finally have gone to the zoo! I think I would like to start volunteering there to raise awareness about the lovely animals that are going extinct. I suppose I will also irrelevantly throw out there that I checked into the hospital the other day and was told positive news about my kidneys and, so long as I make a change in my lifestyle, I shall be okay. 

hearthound said: Your answer for "Why are you so ugly" should be rebloggable. It's the best comeback I've read to such an asinine question.

Haha it’s the truth though. I don’t think I’m attractive in the least bit but, shit, real life isn’t the Sims where one can just choose their aesthetic features.

     I suppose that I could sit here and think about what’s going to happen if my kidneys fail but I’m going to keep my mind worry-free ‘cause I don’t think anything really frightens me. I’ve noted that this past month has been a much needed almost vacation away from stress. My life somehow did a turn around and I don’t know what I did to deserve it or accomplish it. I’ve got a job again, sex isn’t a thing of my life, neither is wanting someone who doesn’t want me, and I’m not even stressing that my phone hasn’t been turned on in almost a month. I’m working on setting up a few awareness campaigns for abuse (I prefer the word ‘abuse’, relating to all sorts, over the term ‘bullying’) and I have been writing daily. I am, for the meantime, content. 

I will not be
one of those who
tells any and all,
feels the need to
share that I’m wasted
off alcohol or despair

but I’m telling you now that
I’m drunk,
drunk off alcohol,
drunk off despair
and I’ll be honest 
that, yeah, I’m scared

‘Cause I’m so lost
Life is a labyrinth
and it isn’t a dream
but the only time that I
find my way of coping
is when I sleep

I’m not lying to myself
honest to even God
I’m not sure how much I can take
and I’m gonna keep drinking,
escape this nostalgic night sky,
until sober blood forces me to wake

I’ll think about life
I’ll think about death
but it’s so counter-productive
to choose suicide when
the only appeal is to know
who gives a fuck in the end

I’m telling you now that
I’ll get drunk,
drunk off alcohol,
drunk with despair
until the day when
I can sleep without breathing air

I’m a sick, twisted freak of nature
Clouds are passing, my heart is pumping
At least the leaves applause
The birds resting upon streetlights don’t judge me

As we witness the Giant’s limbs being amputated,
know that it all springs from hatred
but towards the end we’ll fall
and in dirt we will be

“I know the pieces fit”
‘cause your fingers 
and opposable thumb
intertwines with my
pale skin and bones

We always said we fit together perfectly -
connecting puzzle pieces
yet we still bend and tear easily
Sometimes we try to force
each angle and curve
with foreign shapes

but you can’t pick and choose
which will lay beside you
and some you’ll lose
but soulmates,
they always find you

Forcing myself to write sober so maybe one day it can come easily and I don’t start things just to not finish them. Definitely something new to me and it’s a lot easier when I drown in pills and the emotions release smoothly, but whatever. Been kinda working on this. I don’t know, Drake was giving me the feels. & it’s unorganized and only a rough draft but yeah I’ll fix it later whenever inspiration hits again. This is for youknowwhoyouare.

It’s all just nostalgia that we feel
with each in-inhale of nicotine
and each listening of songs we would sing
that releases the demons we used to possess,
that possessed us
until we’re ch-choking on our breaths
unable to distinguish what is real
the “I’ll come back for you”
is an infringement as we learn new names,
new bodies, new replacements
new drugs and half-hearted hobbies

I don’t want to be the one that says it isn’t the same
and instead of fingers used under covers, they’ll point at me
and when your friends are around, I’ll be your statuette to blame
and they’ll talk their shit, call me a slut
then try to fuck when I’m upset enough
and maybe I will while you’re off with better things,
like women more beautiful than I
but I’m asking how does that qualify us as lovers?

I cheated you, you mistreated me
every now and then even beat me
but no one can blame victory
‘cause it all comes back around
nostalgia, memories, sex on park benches
naming kids we haven’t even conceived
drunken plans to marry at the courthouse
and it’s comforting to pretend
yeah, that we could have that white picket fence
but reality is we’ll never keep our vows
whenever you think of me so distastefully
make me feel so low, wish you would just erase me

but it all comes back around
nostalgia starts with just a sound
and I’m wondering, where do we go from here?
where do I go from here?

The only passion I’ve ever had in life is 
self-loathing and getting fucked up.
I can’t call myself a writer,
it’s just insecurities written.
I can’t call myself altruistic,
all I do is ruin lives.
Getting dressed this afternoon,
I try on outfits
to strip back into the nude
and search for something
that doesn’t show off my pear shaped figure.
I am disgusting and it effects my whole life.

Anonymous said: Why are you so ugly?

I was created by eukaryotic organisms through common sexual reproduction instead of selective breeding. Why does it concern you?

I’ve been sober for about 3 weeks to a month.
Federal marshals are looking for me to interrogate me about my father…that’s gonna be interesting.
I have to either find a roommate to take half of rent or find another place to live.
The longer and longer I stay clean, the healthier I feel. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve had any Transcient Ischemic Attacks. My sugar levels have gotten better. My pulse has decreased to an average of 110 compared to 140-200 BPM. I still have to return to the doctors to find out news regarding my kidneys. My blood pressure is still low yet better, iron levels are a little better. My breathing is still terrible but that will never change…
Overall I would say life is okay right now, even though I have practically no one and am in this all on my own

This year was off to an odd start,
I foreseen changes and warned Cyrano
but over all, the terrible downs and rare ups,
Tupac said things would never be the same
and that’s just the way it is.

My thoughts have began to scare even myself and I feel completely let down by everyone in life. I find myself working full time as a bestfriend, to everyone when they need someone and to myself because I am all I have. The shit that went down with Max still fucks me up every day and not because I love him romantically but because regardless he was my bestfriend and I would have never given up on him, because I want to be there for him and help him see the amazing person I do. I find myself constantly the one to smile and put up a front in any other form than writing. I feel as if no one sees me, the actual one struggling to keep going and maybe that is because I continue fighting, smiling, and trying to forget the pain. I only wish those who are ‘close’ to me recognized that is because I don’t believe in giving up without effort, nonetheless that doesn’t mean I am so elated and dandy. I want them to realize this because I know so many I care about are suffering too and maybe I could help if they understood that I understand.
I went to relapse hours ago but didn’t. Then I realized, it’s a truly shitty situation when I feel so low sober but even an endorphin releasing chemical isn’t going to help anymore.

I’ve been abnormally sober
No self medicating this week
So once again all I do is
sleep
and feed my cleaning obsession.

Sleep. Clean. Sleep. Clean.

Back to neglecting everything important
Back to sleeping life away,
defeated by narcolepsy
Back to cleaning
to temporarily fix the emptiness inside

Anonymous said: i understand what you're saying. i have so many physical health problems that are unknown what theyre coming from and i cant function and this is all on top of my severe mental health problems and i just want to be NORMAL

Find a local clinic and set up an appointment. They may be able to set you up with assistance.
Where I live is the economy is horrible, finding a fast food job can take months, and insurance is difficult to receive. I went to a local clinic and they directed me to a city two hours away that will base it of my income (none) instead of me paying thousands out of pocket. I have to wait six months or longer and get there myself but its better than nothing.